DAY 8

Yeah I know, I said I'd do this properly, one a day then disappeared again. Did you miss me? Well then it sucks to be you. Cos I was in Cambridge with my family, where they don't have power sockets (in tents). And actually what I missed most was my straighteners. So you have a few days of blogging then I go back to school and will probably leave you again, to go and try to kill myself. Or something. Because I really really really really hate school. And I have a properly structured argument why.

Teachers
I have a problem with some teachers, because I find it too hard to respect them. Some teachers I have no trouble respecting, because they demonstrate enough intelligence, sensibility and decency for me to realise that they are good people, and aren't going to teach me rubbish. But some teachers use incredibly bad grammar, bad powerpoints and make too many mistakes. I know you wouldn't think that perfect grammar was necessary in a biology teacher, but you may have notice that I am not a very nice person, and I judge people far too much. If you can't pronounce the word 'accurate' how do I know that I'm pronouncing 'hypothalamus' properly? And occasionally her grammar has been so bad I really don't know what she's saying. For instance, I don't know which way round the hypertonic and hypotonic are. And mistakes annoy me. I know that everybody (myself particularly) says things wrong, but as soon as I realise I've told someone something that is incorrect I have to go back and make sure they know. It's not something I can help. Normally I hate people apologizing to me, clearly I have got over it, and them mentioning the subject just brings it all flooding back and I have to deal with things all over again; obviously I also find it very hard to apologize to other people which can make things difficult. But I simply can't trust teachers if I know they've taught me something wrongly and haven't corrected themselves. I also hate the whole teacher/student relationship; it has been gradually arranged into  system where anything resembling a human relationship is not only discouraged, but disallowed. In normal life, we are basically nicer to people we like, we spend more time with them and help them more. But as a teacher, you are not allowed to have personal opinions on your students, a whole fake system has to be set up, pretty much arbitrarily deciding what should be considered as a 'good thing' and what is a 'bad thing', and what rewards and punishments are. Generally our opinions on other people are based on the actual good and bad things they do, and teachers should be allowed to reward and punish students in a fairly natural way. School is supposed to teach us about professional relationships in life, but it doesn't. Because believe me, if you have too many annoying habits you are not going to be hired, no matter how many times you bring in your stationary.
Stupid rules
Basically leading on from that, schools are based on ridiculously irrelevant rules that have at some point been decided and and are now built into society. One of the things that annoys me at the moment is swearing. Once upon a time, someone decided that cunt, fuck, bastard, bitch, shit, piss etc were all totally inappropriate, and that screwed, bloody, crap, hell, damn etc were kind of inappropriate, but we are allowed to say poo, darn, or oops. WHY? I seriously don't get it. Poo, crap and shit all mean the same thing, but people act like you've shot someone if you say the wrong thing at the wrong time. People are ridiculously scared of a lot of four letter words, and it's one of these rules that I find too hard to respect.
Also chewing gum. Why not? I know people say about the under the desk thing, but the only reason chewing gum gets put under stuff is when someone is about to get caught by a teacher, or it loses its taste and you can't put it in the bin. Because it's against the rules to chew gum. STUPID. Lots of uniform rules annoy me too, but in some ways I can see the logic. Some people don't have as much money, etc etc etc, but when it comes to non-uniform day it makes it a whole lot worse; the posh kids know what's fashionable and wear it, and the rest of us often have no idea, and not that many nice clothes, so we have absolutely no idea what to wear, and panic like hell. And get judged. Maybe we should all just wander around naked. I'm not joking. Leading onto my next point
People
It was once wonderfully put by Chris O'Dowd: 'People. What a bunch of bastards'. And let me tell you, high school especially is full of them. Luckily, most of them don't actually give a shit about you. Believe what you will, but most people, even the ones in your class, even your friends wont notice much. Unless they come out of their own little worlds for a bit to notice that your makeup looks a bit rushed, or that your hair is starting to frizz a bit, or that your trousers really do make your legs look fat. They might not, but everyone spends most of their school life desperately trying not to be judged negatively by their peers. And this includes me, probably more than most people. Because unfortunately I notice quite a lot about people, and remember more than is normal, so I'm fairly paranoid about what people find out about me. And I can't pretend that I don't care, because I care far to much what other people think.
As if this isn't enough, almost everyone you meet at school is a teenager. And teenagers are some of the most temperamental people in the world. Every single person at school is trying to be themselves, assert their own personality while being desperately afraid of not fitting in, not conforming. We all need to be noticed, more than we admit to anyone, but we're incredibly afraid of the aforementioned judging. And unfortunately, school is jam packed with smart, pretty, popular, skinny people who just drift around happily making us feel like dirt. But it can get so much worse. What happens when someone you admire, someone who is practically perfect already gets depressed, or anorexic? Realistically they were already better than us, and now they aren't happy with themselves, that leaves us in a pretty bad position. Teenagers shouldn't be allowed to mingle. Schools are as bitchy as hell.
Boys
As if the constant pressure of schoolwork, socialising and home life wasn't enough, someone just threw an arrow at your heart. Worse than the constant competition with all the girls, someone decided that boys should be able to make you feel absolutely worthless without even trying. Without even knowing. Fuck it.
Seating plans
Another pointless convention. 4 years in, I really do know who I do and don't like. I'm never going to like them, no matter how many times you put us together. I'm trying to do the mature thing and just keep away from them. I don't want to be two faced, but I'm not going to insult them to their face. I just want to avoid them. But no. Shove me next to them then ask us to work together. Good fucking plan. And honestly, I work better next to people I like. There's no way I'm going to talk proper french when I'm sharing a desk with someone considerably cooler than me, who probably doesn't like me and who would certainly rather be sitting somewhere else. No way. But I remember the things I've learned sitting next to my best friend, because we've made jokes about it. Let's be honest, the only time anyone's EVER liked having a seating plan is when it's sat them next to the person they secretly fancy. And if you fancy someone not in your class, you're screwed. Bring on the next whinge.
Homework
The last thing I want to think about when I finally escape from Hell is... Hell. But for some reason, it's appropriate to send reams of work home with me. JOY. As a teacher, you get timetabled enough time to teach your students the stuff they need to know. But now you get told off if you don't give your classes enough homework. I find this particularly difficult to forgive, because I am almost incapable of doing homework. If it's a subject that inspires me and I can see the point of the work, I'll happily do it; I do lots of art work at home for example. But working through a sheet of maths sums that I KNOW I can do because I just spent an hour doing them? Believe me I've tried. I have honestly sat at my desk with nothing but a maths book for an hour and accomplished absolutely nothing. Because I really can't concentrate. My mind wanders 'freely as a cloud'.
Being told off
I know I sound like a wimp, but I hate getting shouted at. Someone pointing out why I'm wrong makes me squirm around inside, so if I actually am in the wrong, if you point it out I'll try my best never to let it happen again, shouting is totally superfluous and will just twist all my emotions up until I can't think clearly anymore, so I'm more likely to make more mistakes. And if I'm not in the wrong? I'll just get angry and lose all respect for you as a teacher and a person. Either way you lose, and I lose. So stop shouting at me.
Stereotypes
Everyone hates school kids, and I know why. Because some kids are bastards who deliberately mess up other peoples lives. But I think if everyone actually saw us as people, with all the pressures of people, they might realise that they aren't making things better. Honestly, I hate sitting with the people on the bus who shout abuse at random people, are really noisy and generally unpleasant, but I think you should realise that I get it worse than you. You get 'fanny' shouted at you down the bus once, but I have to sit with their constant insults every day, and they know what to say to upset me. And on top of that I get your constant filthy looks. And I have to wait in a massive queue while you breeze right past. And I'm the one who gets blamed for everything that gets broken. And I know that you know these things and you still don't care. You were me once, but you've totally forgotten, and now you think I'm worthless shit. I hate to see this, but grow up.

The best idea would be to lock up my heart and my emotions until I'm 18, get through with the thought that once I leave, none of these people will matter to me. But we all know that that's impossible. In my opinion, the whole school system is fatally flawed. The basic idea is that you work and work and work on something until you finally have the courage to actually show it to someone, then they completely destroy it, point out all the flaws and give you a list of all the people who beat you. And that screws people up. A lot. But I don't have any better ideas, so I'll just have to live with it. Over and out